Pre-Graduation Jitters

This past week, I started my final quarter of college. Before classes started this week, I was really excited for this quarter and being able to graduate in March. Now that classes have started, I have a case of pre-graduation jitters.

Part of my blog is to give people an idea of what it is like living with my disease. I am hoping to include posts that focus on various aspects of my life. While I have had many positive experiences, I also still have bad days sometimes. It had been a while since I experienced a bad day, so my day of pre-graduation jitters caught me completely by surprise and it was really draining.

On Tuesday, my mind thought of every possible post graduation scenario. But I’m just going to focus on a couple, more common scenarios that cross my mind at times of change.

I know that this is a very exciting moment in my life because I can finally start pursuing careers that I am interested in. But this week I found myself asking whether I was making the right choices. There are many variables that influence my decision-making.

Health insurance is something that always crosses my mind because of my disease and potential health problems I could face. I also consider my interests. Right now, I have a general interest in taking care of or helping others. Based on my experiences, I have narrowed down my interests to helping children with cancer, working with people who have hereditary colon cancer diseases, or working with people who have developmental disorders. Right now, I feel that I am passionate about all of those things and feel that I could be called to work with any of those groups. I also want to do something that will help me pay off loans, and potentially go back to school.

I haven’t experienced a lot of major life changes since my diagnosis, except for graduating from high school and moving away to college. But during that time, I often questioned my remission and whether it would last. It seems like graduating from college isn’t immune from those thoughts.

I started questioning remission and how long it would last this week. I’ve questioned it many times and always have been proven wrong. For the most part, I believe that I am much more optimistic that my disease could be in remission for a very long time. I am also starting to believe that my treatment could help me stay healthy and disease-free for the rest of my life or until a cure is found. I even wrote a blog about this recently.

On Tuesday, I went through familiar scenarios that I have pondered in the past. I wondered if I was still in remission. I questioned returning to school to pursue another degree. I imagined living life without a colon.

I know that I am ok and completely healthy. However, fears can be blinding at times. I can be fearful of things at times, but I can choose how to respond. I could take the “safe” way, not take any risks, and settle for less than my goals. But with a little inspiration, I am choosing to follow my dreams and won’t let anything stop me.

After praying and talking with a friend, I was able to silence my fears. Today was much better. I had my first day of classes and it looks like this quarter is going to be fun and memorable. On Friday, a newspaper at my school is publishing an article about my blog and memoir.

Now that my pre-graduation jitters are gone, I am really looking forward to graduation and life after college. Sometimes I just need to be reminded that a majority of the things I worry about are beyond my control. Even when things are beyond my control, I can give them up to God.